So these last few months have been trying to say the least. I went from being engaged and thinking about the future in front of me to alone and thinking that there was really nothing for me anymore. In a way I think I will still have moments where I feel alone and sad…you know, when you turn on that sad song or songs in my case and you just sit there looking in to the distance, those kinda moments.

Through all the pain that I faced there were some pretty dark and scary moments that I went through, but through those moments I still managed to pull through somehow. I promised myself that I would never fall in love again nor trust anyone the way I did some months back, it sounds dramatic but I meant it in the moment. I did not want to lower my walls down because I had been burned or the more accurate word is scorched too many times before.

With everything in life it was a period of learning. I learnt that I am way more stronger than I thought. I learnt that life is never a straight forward path and that God only gives you what he thinks you can handle. Finally I learnt that I had to change, i had to change from being this person who had not let go of certain things in my life to someone who embraced the pain that I had went through and could say, “Yeah, that happened but it doesn’t define me”. I’m not 100% there yet, I admit but I can safely say that I am working on it each day.

For anyone who is dealing with hardships in life, no matter what it is. It is okay to be defeated for a bit but the most important thing I can tell you is that you have to find something to pull you back up again.

-Thomas

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Hello Everyone, I feel as though this blog post is long overdue as I feel like I have been on such a horrible roller coaster ride over the past couple of months. Things had understandably gotten a bit dark after my breakup but just when I felt I was getting somewhere I was struck again by a betrayal from one of my “close” friends.

I won’t mention any names but I was extremely close with him and we would often spend a lot of time together just helping one another through their situations (good or bad). I had received a letter in the post the day after I found out the good news about my exam results. The letter basically pointed out that he could no longer be my friend anymore due to him falling in love with me. I did not feel the same way and had actually told him this in the past. When i had finished reading the letter, I actually felt nothing; no sense of disappointment, no sense of sadness…nothing. I came home from work that very same day when my friend had shown up at my house professing that the letter was all a lie and that he was trying to push me away due to him being depressed…I think deep down I probably knew this was a lie but chose to believe him as I thought of him like a brother I never had.

Flash forward to a week or two later and I get a call from him after work basically telling me that the letter was all true and that he could not be my friend anymore. I said “okay…bye”. However this time instead of feeling nothing like I did previously, I felt a strong sense of anger. I was angry at the fact that my best friend, brother…had done what I never thought he would and that was to lie and ultimately leave me in the midst of everything that was going on in my life.

I had spoken about counselling in a previous post but I actually do not feel like it will help me because what I am struggling with is trust. For me, I am or was a very trusting person. I now find myself in a almost parallel position; I no longer trust anyone. I no longer have many feelings about things anymore, almost disconnected in a way.

So there you have it…there was a glimmer of hope but it appears that that was a lie.

Fuck everyone.

Posted: June 22, 2016 in Life

I constantly feel let down, everyday by everyone. Blog coming later…

My last few blog posts were particularly dark in nature, apologies. This year so far has been shit…real shit. Don’t get me wrong there have been moments where I have been folded over with laughter and have genuinely been happy but for the most part it has been a massive headache.

I received my exam results the other day and I actually passed all my modules…to say I was surprised is an understatement. My exam period came slap bang in the middle of my most shitty period and I was all over the place emotionally and mentally. Now that I have my results and they are good results I feel as though I am more centred…I feel like that horrible part of the year is behind me in a way and I’m looking forward to the next coming months.

I started seeing a therapist last month and while I admit it felt weird at first, I was strangely so much happier to talk to someone who was not biased, judgemental or disinterested. I spoke through a lot of things that I had bottled up inside and in doing so I sort of made sense of them and what I needed to do next to break the never ending cycle of sadness that I found myself in.

In terms of dating etc, I am sooooooo not ready to jump on that horse again…I don’t know if I’ll be ready to for quite some time and this thought doesn’t bother me at all. I am enjoying socialising with friends (new and old), going out and dancing, laughing , going to the gym…just being me and not having to please anyone. I have came to the realisation that I don’t need someone to make me happy, I can do that by myself. I am perfectly happy doing me until someone sweeps me off my feet…not an easy feat. I am in my Beyonce phase lol!

Anyway, I hope you are all well and thank you for your kind words over these last couple of months they have meant more to me than you will know!

 

So as I’m about to write this I find myself in the midst of my exams and sitting alone at a coffee shop with a very large cup of coffee by my side.

 The last few months have been by far, the most hurtful and traumatic months of my life. I have wrote about it in my past blogs and do not want to rehash it again. 

 At this point in my life I find myself at a cross roads in every way possible; I’m at a cross road with University, life after University, life in general…I find myself in a dark and isolated place where I’m surrounded by friends but not really, does that make sense? 

I’ve been having a reflective period you could say…where I have assessed myself and my choices in life to date, I’ve found that I haven’t made the best choices insofar as love, friendships and education is concerned. I feel like it has been an uphill battle and I have stuck it out because that’s what I do…I stick things out until I can’t take it anymore. 

 I just don’t know what to do anymore, I really don’t. 

Well here’s to another sad blog entry on my behalf. Today I was happily going about my business when out of blue my mind drifted to everything that had happened. No matter how much I smile and try to look on the bright side of things, it is becoming more and more difficult because the truth of the matter is I have lost. 

 I even stupidly enough think about the future but even then my mind immediately thinks about the original future that I thought was in my grasps when I was with him. I feel like screaming, “LET IT FUCKING GO THOMAS, let it go…”. Next month on my Birthday is probably going to be one of the worst days yet because that marks the first time he asked me to be his boyfriend and the day he proposed to me in Amsterdam. I’ll need to lock myself away in a spa or something because I honestly cannot fathom the thought of making it through that day, I can’t. 

 Everyone is probably getting bored of me and my sob story but this is my life and this blog is a record of it. So apologies if by reading this you think, “really Thomas, we are talking about this again?”. This is my life. 

I’m lost.

Posted: March 20, 2016 in Life
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At the moment all I feel is loneliness and a longing for the past. It’s not constant but there are times of the day where someone can say something, totally unrelated to my situation, or I will catch myself gazing in to the distance and the memories come flooding back; happy memories of our time together…it’s awful and it hurts me so bad. 

 As I lay alone in bed writing this post a whole range of emotion is tormenting me, it’s almost like a constant injection of sadness, happiness, longing, confusion and pain. How does anyone get over this? Does it get worse? These questions can never be answered and I know that but I wish they could, I wish I knew how to get over this pain.